Moribund

I know that this sounds morbid but these are the thoughts that go through my mind as I realize my own mortality. Throughout my life I've been spiritual I understand the different ideas of afterlife. There is nirvana which is to die and go on to nothing. Catholicism is about being reincarnated. There are some cultures that do believe if they consume the dead the dead will live on in them. And even further there is nothing after death just a big empty void as was before birth. 
When I think of reincarnation I think of being raised by someone else not knowing anyone and having to go through growing up again. That is not something I want to do. I want to think that I can still see my loved ones not growing up with new loved ones. 

It has taken me a long time to write about this I have written down all my thoughts and I think I'm just going to put them here. To organize those thoughts is really hard the reason I decided to do it this way is I was just again reminded in the NCIS season 4 episode 22. Tony says he wouldn't know what he would do if he lost his sight to which a reply is you would adapt. And then in return he says what if I don't adapt? Then the answer becomes you will grow depressed and die. That sat with me because I'm losing my eyesight and I immediately picked up my blogger come back to this draft and I'm going to finish it off by just placing my notes as they came out of my brain unedited and just put them here. 

These are my more abundant thoughts:
While many believe in a higher power and afterlife, there needs to be a serious look at death. Everyone understands the emptiness and lack of anything tangible outside of our living. We all experience the nothingness before our memories begin. History and religion work in tandem to shape a belief that there is something for us beyond our lives.
Sometimes we confuse ourselves when we feel connected to past events. We assume these feelings come from our sentient self in a previous life. We cannot be so sure of this phenomenon just as we cannot be so sure of de ja vu. Our mind, which gives us sentience, is also flawed and can confuse us. Our minds play tricks all the time, from losing our keys to forgetting names. In some cases where one’s memory is called upon for substantial objective information many times the memory is flawed. Physical evidence is far more objective.
I just don’t want to die and there been nothing. The life I’m living hasn’t left any indelible impression.
If I were to write an essay on the Stargate saga, it would follow the world’s history of religion and what life after death might be.
Stargate Universe s2e16 master sergeant talks about walking up to nothing death there is a desire to stand in the places where memories were made.
So thinking about death being the end of everything that you have and realizing that life is short and precious because it only happens once. People who have their religions and believe they will go to a different place after death don’t treat their life with as much care. To believe that there's nothing makes you cherish what you have more than those who think there will be more after this life.
I so want to believe that there is something after death I don’t want there to be nothing. I think of things being a continuation of this life but then I realized that would have to be for an eternity what would we gain from living for an eternity? And so we must treat this life as if it’s all we get because it is all that we will get.
We treat life as if it is something precious, we want to save it we wanted to last. This is why we are to be saved and have everlasting life.
I was certainly in denial up until today when I was rediagnosed and could be dead in three to six months I don't know what to do if the new treatment doesn't work I will be dead in three to six months no more denial this is really happening I’m really going to die. And I don't even know what that is my brain says there's going to be nothing for eternity nothing I will cease to exist since humans will be gone.
My wife and her cousin believe they connect to spirits her cousin felt my family in the presence of this house I do believe they are here they're waiting to take me to wherever it is we're going to go. I really want to believe that that will happen I don't want to leave my wife I don't want to leave everything that I know I’m too Young to die. My marriage is only been so short I don't know what to do I don't know how to prepare for the coming months. The only person in my immediate family that I let know was my brother I’m sure he will get the news out to everybody else.
The other night I had a dream about dressing out a deer that I just shot. I miss hunting but more than that I actually become anti-hunter at the same time facing death I don't want to kill anything anymore I will still eat meat but I’m not going to hunt ever again.
The
The thought of death and they’re being nothing for eternity. It is frightening that life is so short and so precious you only get one chance and then it’s nothing forever.
I still live in denial about dying but as the pain increases and I get closer to death the more I realize this is the end and I’m not ready for it. I’m not ready to leave but it’s going to be an inevitability.
Everyone is born and everyone dies I will be joining the mini out there who are no longer with us.
I often wonder what I do take to the other side what we look like this vessel stays here we don't look like our vessel on the other side what are we if there is something on the other side
I want to believe that there is an existence on a different plan that I can observe life my friends my family my loved ones but if there’s nothing that is the absolute most frightening thing to occur.
I just over the fact that there is nothing else just avoid.
My wife and her cousin felt the presence of my family in this house but I have to wonder if they're not just empathizing with me and I’m conjuring that.
Cancer is not something that I can run away from it’s a killer stalking you in your own body.
So many lives have passed before mine am I to join a large number dead some other plane
It’s hard to imagine that there will be absolutely nothing in the end. I think that that is my biggest hang up is that I’m living now will have no recollection of anything just void just nothingness it’s over. Every time I put my thoughts into this document it comes to the same thing I will never know anything no life no existence just nothingness it's unfathomable
Everything in life is a progression we grow we've learned we progress but they’re that progression ends in death and there may be no more progression or sentience wants to progress. What’s worse as I do nothing I get to sit here and ruminate about death and I’m not contributing anything other than this more abundant thoughts. We have all experienced to death of loved ones and we survive and get to experience life beyond their death they do not get to experience life beyond that.
Because I want to see my mother and it's a high probability but I will not I’ll simply go into another existence in the end we just maintain a vision of them that will never exist again because they are gone and look at pictures and that’s how they stay with us.
Death is no more tomorrows.
 
That feels quite adequate. 

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